I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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