Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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