I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
