totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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