I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
