Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
