What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
