just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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