my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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