Fine. I'll sleep in my office
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
