Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
