A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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