I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
