he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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