I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
