i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
