proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
