i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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