the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
