Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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