I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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