I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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