One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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