Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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