last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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