and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
