I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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