Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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