Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
