my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
