yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I have already put on my inside pants.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
