In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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