Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
