can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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