id be glad to
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
