Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
