Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
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grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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