she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
