You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
