I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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