when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
