I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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