I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
