Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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