The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
