why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
