I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
