i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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