i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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