It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
