I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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