I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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