my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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