dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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