just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
