I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
